I keep coming back to the moment of self-remembering. Realizing that I've been away from the moment, away from conscious of being conscious.
And I find that the moments when I come back are small celebrations for having come home and taken a moment to restock, reflect and remember myself.
Unfortunately these moments are very short, although I do try to cultivate the more important aspects of what it means to be conscious when they occur.
One of them being the quality of being conscious in all that we do. And being aware of ones thoughts as things are happening on a level which is independent of them. That's not so say not being immersed in what is happening, but to have a reflective quality that is watching all the time. And not just in the sense of watching, but in the sense of becoming familiar with that process and recognizing what is happening when it is.
What I find most astonishing is that there are moments when I am watching my thoughts and I suddenly realize that I am not watching my thoughts, I am watching something else. I am trying to watch my thoughts, and I will realize that I am thinking something entirely different from what I think I am watching. The whole episode escapes me until the moment of its conclusion, then I realize 'wait' I was just thinking about such and such and I did not have any consciousness of that in the last few moments. I thought I was being conscious of something else.
This is, I think, one of the points of the exercise. And one of the insights we've got to bring into other areas of our experience of swimming into consciousness.
It's a very odd thing to realize that you are not conscious at all. And that what you think is only a small part of what you actually are, and there are things going on right next to you in your own mind that are not in your conscious mind.
This is disconcerting as well as enlightening.
So, in these moments when I do come back to myself and I realize (its definitely on differently levels each time, its not always at the same depth. some are more far reaching than others) they all have the quality of remembering and remembering to remember. and rejoicing in that moment of remembering.
It is like coming up for air after swimming in the unconscious for a long time.
